Age+is+not+limiting

Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of funds needed to honour it. I refer of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit has only been in place for a mere thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that window of opportunity, and for also debiting my account £30.00p by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your Bank
 * The following letter was written by a 98 year old lady to her Bank. **

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. I notice that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your Bank has become.

From now on I, like you choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer will be automatic, but will arrive at your Bank by cheque addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at you Bank whom you must nominate Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs into eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your Bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his or her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter that 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As the say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Let me level the playing field further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

1 To make an appointment to see me. 2 To query a missing payment. 3 3 To transfer the call to my Living room in case I am there 4 4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7 To leave a message on my computer a password to access it is required. This will be communicated to you at a later date for the Authorised Contact. 8 To return to the main menu, and to listen to options 1 though to 8. 9 To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasions, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

// Presented by the Bank Manager to the Times newspaper for publishing //

// Courtesy of : Sheard-Whitehead // // 25 August 2010 //