98+year+old+lady+to+her+Bank.

Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of funds needed to honour it. I refer of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit has only been in place for a mere thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that window of opportunity, and for also debiting my account £30.00p by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your Bank
 * The following letter was written by a 98 year old lady to her Bank. **

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. I notice that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your Bank has become.

From now on I, like you choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer will be automatic, but will arrive at your Bank by cheque addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at you Bank whom you must nominate Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs into eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your Bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his or her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter that 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">As the say, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">Let me level the playing field further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;"> 1 To make an appointment to see me. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">2 To query a missing payment. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">3 3 To transfer the call to my Living room in case I am there <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">4 4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">7 To leave a message on my computer a password to access it is required. This will be communicated to you at a later date for the Authorised Contact. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">8 To return to the main menu, and to listen to options 1 though to 8. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">9 To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">While this may on occasions, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous**__, New Year.__**

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif;">Your Humble Client,

//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype',serif; font-size: 10pt;">Presented by the Bank Manager to the Times newspaper for publishing //